I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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