i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
