I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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