Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
