im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
