i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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