easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
