Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
