We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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