I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
