glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
