that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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