Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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