Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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