On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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