I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Randomize
