If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
