everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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