Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
