That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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