I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
this just has baby written all over it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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