forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
