I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
