You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
