i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
