I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
should my penis look like a turkey
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
