Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
