dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize