I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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