I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
