So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
