You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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