i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
