batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
