Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ladies don't puke and tell
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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