My Higher Power is John Stamos
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
