I will die if light touches me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
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