positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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