my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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