I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
