and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
