Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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