i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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