The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
