Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
