I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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