i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
