I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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