Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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