I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize