i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
