cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
