I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
