Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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