Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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