I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
