tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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