My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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