The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
