I faked an abortion last night.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
