I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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