i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
