It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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