She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
